As an old guy playing Stardew Valley, I should be allowed to date the bus driver

I am gettin’ fairly previous. I do not prefer to say my age out loud as a result of possibly if I do not say it, it will not really be actual, so let’s simply say I am Gen X, I used to be born the identical 12 months as Pong, and my highschool had a chosen smoking space—for college kids. That is fairly darn previous.

And as an previous man who simply began enjoying Stardew Valley a few weeks in the past, I’ve slowly come to the horrifying realization that I am manner too previous to be relationship just about any of the life sim’s romantic companions. There are twelve “singles” in Stardew, and excluding possibly two, they’re all so younger that I can not assist however really feel like an absolute creep for attempting to woo one, not to mention marry one. I am actually left questioning—would have it been that arduous to have a pair, y’know, precise adults to romance in Stardew Valley? 

Take Abigail, one of the in style romance choices in Stardew. She’s cute, she’s goth, she’s a gamer… what extra might you ask for? However the extra I talked to her, the extra I felt troubled about romancing her. Abigail lives together with her dad and mom, she typically talks about stuff her dad will not let her do, like subscribe to magazines… it fairly shortly started to really feel fairly icky as a result of Abby would not strike me as an grownup. She looks like a teen.

Previous Me wooing a teen is gross. We will all agree on that, proper? At one level throughout my gift-giving, Abby despatched me a letter telling me to return to her room after 8:00 pm as a result of she wished to “present me one thing.” Is she gonna present me an arrest warrant, as a result of that is about the one factor that may really feel applicable on this scenario. Simply the truth that she stated to fulfill her at 8 pm prefer it’s some kinda forbidden hour tells me that she’s even youthful than I assumed. Gonna move on that, Abs! Hit me up if you would like me to elucidate escrow or suggest an excellent ophthalmologist.

Abby is not the one marriage candidate that feels shockingly younger. Nearly the entire romantic choices in Stardew come throughout as youngsters to me: Alex, Sebastian, Shane, Penny, Emily, and Sam all strike me as highschool youngsters reasonably than younger adults. Maru, like Abby, nonetheless lives together with her dad and mom, and even characters like Leah who stay on their very own nonetheless really feel manner too younger for a withering Gen X’er like me to be hitting on. The one two romance choices who appear vaguely like correct adults are Elliot and Harvey, and I am afraid I am not desirous about both of them. One is a Fabio-lookin’ author who lives in a shack on the seashore—arduous move—and the bachelor physician is an excessive amount of like a strolling thirst lure to take critically.

A part of the issue right here is that I am roleplaying as myself. I named my character Chris, I made him bald with a beard identical to I’m and have in actual life, and I am dressed the best way I wish to be dressed always: high hat, bomber jacket I crafted from an precise bomb, and the decrease half of a dinosaur costume. So once I discuss to the characters in Stardew Valley, it is like they’re speaking to me as an alternative of a personality I invented, as a result of I am simply enjoying as actually me.

However even when I used to be enjoying as a youthful model of myself, the love pursuits in Stardew Valley nonetheless really feel extremely younger. I do not wish to date any of them, I simply wish to give them recommendation, like that they need to begin contributing to a 401K as quickly as doable and that they need to at all times put on sunscreen and deal with their tooth in any respect prices and whereas it could be cool to blast music at full quantity into their earphones it might end in everlasting listening to loss and it simply is not value it. Is there a mod that lets me give these youngsters recommendation as an alternative of items? I would be closely into that.

And admittedly, none of them must be marrying a farmer simply because he walks up twice per week and wordlessly shoves a diamond or a chocolate cake into their arms. They’re all so younger! They’ve their whole lives forward of them! Do not tie your self down as a result of somebody provides you some crab truffles and duck feathers he simply occurs to be carrying round. Flee this valley, do not chain your self to it. There are cities on the market someplace. Cities are so a lot better than valleys!

And critically, begin contributing to a 401K instantly.

The true tragedy for lonely Previous Man Chris is that there are many age-appropriate characters in Stardew Valley, they’re simply not romanceable. Like, why cannot I date Marnie? She’s a cool unbiased girl together with her personal enterprise, she likes animals, she lives shut by, and as everyone knows through somewhat detective work, she’s knocking boots with the mayor. That is an instantaneous swoon for me. Hell, I would be okay together with her persevering with to bang the mayor even after we have been married: the very last thing I wish to do is meddle with the political panorama of Stardew Valley. Alas, the sport will not let me romance Marnie.

There are extra contenders for my affections, although none of them are romanceable, both. The wizard is kinda sizzling, has a dope tower, and he is clearly broken after being divorced from a witch (I can repair him). He is not previous, however he appears like an grownup to me. There’s additionally the crusty rogue Marlon of the Adventurer’s Guild. We have now so much in frequent: we combat monsters, we purchase and promote weapons, and he additionally needs to get with Marnie. And, once more, he is an grownup, not a teen, however I am not allowed to bang him. Bummer. There’s additionally Sandy, who runs the Oasis store within the desert. She’s not simply high-quality, she’s additionally high-quality—with the on line casino being run at the back of her store so long as she will get her minimize, which suggests to me pragmatic instincts and a non-judgmental nature. (The highest hat I am carrying was purchased after fairly an excellent run on the blackjack desk.) I can not date her, both, and I do not actually perceive why.

The remainder of the older crowd within the valley, I am not that eager on. Willy the fisherman is kinda grubby and undoubtedly smells like fish, bartender Gus is a bit cuddly however I do not discover him horny, and I get a creepy vibe from Clint, most likely as a result of he is obtained an enormous crush on Emily, who to me feels essentially the most teen-agey of all of the youngsters within the sport. Additionally, I have been bringing Clint geodes in bulk for like 4 years, and he is by no means as soon as provided me a reduction for his rock-smashing providers. Jerk.

However essentially the most crushing blow to my romantic life is that I can not date and marry my ultimate girl: Pam. Straight up, Pam, the bus driver, is the one for me. Positive, she’s not the most effective mother on this planet (she makes her daughter Penny perpetually clear their trailer) and has a little bit of a ingesting downside (shortly after I moved to the valley she despatched me a letter asking me to carry her a beer) and he or she’s not precisely horny. She’s not even vaguely horny.

However Pam is simple to please, pleased with actually any meals or drink I give her (in actual life I’m additionally at all times glad when somebody brings me meals and drinks). So, she spends all her free time in a bar—guess who has an enormous blueberry wine operation working on his farm? We’re a match made in heaven. 

And her sexiest function is her totally predictable schedule. I do know the place she might be each single day: standing on the bus cease on the off likelihood somebody (me) wants a trip to the desert. I discover it irritating having to chase down different characters wherever they is likely to be once I wish to give them items, and in my previous age my reminiscence for all however the easiest of schedules is fairly shoddy. However at 10 am every single day Pam is at all times in the identical place, near my home, and can stand there immobile till dusk, that means I by no means should chase her across the seashore or mountains or graveyard to offer her a jar of dehydrated mushrooms or a bowl of parsnip soup. To somebody with out lots of time left on this earth, that is an actual timesaver, and that is horny as hell.